If I were inclined to be paranoid, my delusions would start with every Phone Company\u2019s apparent desire to screw with me on a more-or-less regular basis, ever since I\u2019ve had a phone.\u00a0 This is only made more sinister by the fact that it\u2019s nearly impossible to get away without having a phone these days, and even now, it’s impractical if not impossible to choose a different local phone company.\u00a0\u00a0 The choice afforded by long distance companies has complicated things further \u2013 while rates and service have improved somewhat, this is at least partially offset by having to explain to some poor telemarketing schlub that no, you don\u2019t want to change long distance carriers during dinner.<\/p>\n
I first got an inkling for the evil that lurks behind the friendly facade of a monopoly with a huge advertising budget when I first moved to Chicago.\u00a0 I called the local phone company to arrange a connection in service to my new apartment \u2013 long distance, as I was actually planning ahead.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d the disinterested voice told me, \u201cwe can\u2019t connect your service until you pay an outstanding bill for $245.\u201d<\/p>\n
This was pretty odd.\u00a0 \u201cHow can I have an outstanding bill?\u00a0 I\u2019ve never even been to Chicago.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, our records show an outstanding bill for $245 for calls made by Rita Brown.\u201d
\nEven weirder.\u00a0 \u201cWho the hell is Rita Brown?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOur records show that you live with her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWHAT<\/em>?\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure what was more disturbing, the fact that I was being saddled with a phantom bill for somebody I\u2019d never even heard of, or the fact that the phone company apparently keeps records on who is living with whom in Chicago.\u00a0 So I tried reason.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve never even heard the name before.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, sir,\u201d (you always hear at least one \u201csir\u201d when you start to get peeved) \u201cwe can\u2019t just let her get a phone under your name until she pays her bill.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy would I care whether or not she pays her bill?\u00a0 Since I\u2019ve never heard of her, I\u2019ll promise you that I won\u2019t let her use my phone, even if she shows up at my door bleeding from a gunshot wound.\u00a0 Do you want me to sign something?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, actually, if you could call her<\/em> and ask her to come in and sign a paper that she doesn\u2019t know you…\u201d<\/p>\n I was afraid that if I let her continue, irreparable damage might be done to my brain.\u00a0 \u201cWait, let me get this straight: you want me to call somebody I\u2019ve never heard of, whose phone you\u2019ve probably disconnected anyway for not paying her bill, and convince this woman to sign a paper that says she\u2019s never heard of me so that I can get a phone?\u201d<\/p>\n “Exactly.” she said, apparently pleased at getting her point across.\u00a0 After a moment’s reflection, she added, \u201cMaybe you should write her a letter.\u201d<\/p>\n Still fearing for my tender brain, I tried to remain calm.\u00a0 \u201cHow can I write a letter to somebody I\u2019ve never even heard of before?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSounds like it would be easier if you just paid the bill.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLook, I am not going to pay her bill.\u00a0 I can\u2019t think of any reason why I would agree to pay that woman\u2019s phone bill just to get my own phone.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI thought you said you\u2019d never heard of her.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u00a0 Of course I haven\u2019t heard of her.\u00a0 What are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you seem to have some bitterness toward this woman.\u00a0 Was it a bad breakup?\u201d<\/p>\n If I\u2019d had a power-horn handy, I\u2019m sure I would have held it up to the receiver and blasted it until it was completely discharged.\u00a0 I don\u2019t even own a power-horn, but I looked around just in case.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m going to say this slowly.\u00a0 I have never heard of this woman.\u00a0 I am not going to be your collections department.\u00a0 I am not going to pay a bill that isn\u2019t mine.\u00a0 I need to talk to your supervisor.\u201d<\/p>\n A good four hours and five supervisors later, I finally got somebody to agree to give me a phone without having to pay somebody else\u2019s phone bill.\u00a0 Frankly, if Rita Brown ever does happen to stop by, I\u2019d let her use the phone as much as she wanted.<\/p>\n Back when I still got paper bills, I would occasionally receive a beautifully worded form letter enclosed with my bill, asking for extra money.\u00a0 I won\u2019t attempt to do the skillfully crafted prose justice, but I\u2019ll distill the main points:<\/p>\n It\u2019s not many a company with the audacity to attempt to increase their market share by soliciting donations, but aside from being just evil, this is somewhere between brilliant and awesome — unfortunately, it really works only for products that people actually need.\u00a0 \u201cNot everybody can afford a Porsche, and we\u2019re sure as hell not making them any cheaper, so why not pledge money now so a needy family can afford one?\u201d<\/p>\n One of the stranger things my local phone company did is send me their monthly bill — but this time, for over $6000.\u00a0 I found this a little unusual, especially since the bulk of the charges were listed under \u201cmiscellaneous.\u201d\u00a0 Naturally, I called to complain.<\/p>\n \u201cHello, I just received a local phone bill for $6000.\u201d<\/p>\n There was a long pause, presumably while the customer service representative looked up the information, but it doesn’t appear to have struck her as unusual<\/em> in any way, since she returned with a prosaic,\u00a0 \u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I calculated that at even at the highest rates, if I made one phone call per second, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, I couldn\u2019t rack up a bill nearly this high.\u201d<\/p>\n She seemed unclear on what I was complaining about.\u00a0 \u201cSo you want a second line installed?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u00a0 I don\u2019t want a second line installed, I want these charges taken off my bill.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are the charges for?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n I wasn’t prepared for this question, mostly because it’s what I was asking.\u00a0 \u201cI have no idea.\u00a0 What could possibly be worth $6000?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you must have ordered something.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLike what?\u00a0 Phone company massages?\u00a0 A phone company grand piano?\u00a0 Perhaps that phone company car I\u2019ve always wanted?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, these charges don\u2019t just come out of nowhere.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, how about this: you tell me what I\u2019m being charged for, and if you can\u2019t, you take it off my bill.\u201d<\/p>\n (Long pause.)\u00a0 \u201cIt says here it\u2019s for \u2018miscellaneous.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, what, specifically, does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n There was a very long pause, which I took to mean that I was getting somewhere.\u00a0 While I was waiting, I was treated to some elevator music punctuated by a bone-jarring voice proclaiming that \u201cAll operators are busy.\u00a0 Please continue to hold.\u201d\u00a0 And what seems slightly more sarcastic each time you hear it: \u201cYour call is very important to us.\u201d<\/p>\n The music finally stopped.\u00a0 \u201cSir?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you still there?\u201d\u00a0 (A casual observer might have deduced this from the answer to the first question, but I didn’t want to distract her.)<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I am.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMiscellaneous is what they list things under that don\u2019t go into other categories.\u201d<\/p>\n I’m not sure if she’d consulted a dictionary or a corporate manual, but neither was really helpful.\u00a0 \u201cOh, good, so they haven\u2019t invented a completely new definition for the word.\u00a0 Who can tell me what, exactly, they have chosen to bill me for, and place into this category?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt doesn\u2019t say.\u201d\u00a0 (Long pause.)\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t put it in there.\u201d<\/p>\n At this point, I couldn\u2019t think of anything to say, so we both stayed on the phone in uncomfortable silence.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOkay then,\u201d I ventured after a while, \u201ccan you kindly remove it from my bill if nobody knows what it is for?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI could put you on a payment plan.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to be put on a payment plan.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to pay it at all.\u201d<\/p>\n She laughed.\u00a0 \u201cWouldn\u2019t that be nice?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, look: I have nothing in my possession, and have received no services from the phone company, worth anywhere near $6000, and I am not going to pay a bill for something I did not get.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOhhhhhh,\u201d she said, as if something had just dawned on her.\u00a0 \u201cIn that case, why don\u2019t you tell me what you ordered, and I\u2019ll re-enter the order, and you won\u2019t have to pay until we can complete the order.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t understand.\u00a0 I didn’t order anything.\u00a0 I don’t want<\/em> to order anything.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou want to cancel the order?\u201d she tried.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat order?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ll have to tell me, or I can\u2019t cancel it.\u201d<\/p>\n If you had asked me the day before how hard it would be to get an obvious billing mistake corrected, I’d have probably replied, “not that hard,” like an idiot.\u00a0 I was clearly getting nowhere.\u00a0 \u201cOkay, I\u2019ll make this simple.\u00a0 Will you take this charge off my bill?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t do that.\u00a0 It\u2019s obviously there for a reason.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, then let me talk to your supervisor…\u201d<\/p>\n A few hours and supervisors later, I was under the mistaken impression that I had finally convinced somebody to correct my bill.\u00a0 However<\/em>, the next month I received notice that the first installment on my six-month payment plan<\/em> was due.\u00a0 Yes, that’s right, instead of correcting the $6000 charge, I’d been put on a payment plan, where I only had to pay a little over $1000 each month.<\/p>\n Each month, for six months<\/em>, I had to call and get $1000 taken off my bill.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" If I were inclined to be paranoid, my delusions would start with every Phone Company\u2019s apparent desire to screw with me on a more-or-less regular basis, ever since I\u2019ve had a phone.\u00a0 This is only made more sinister by the fact that it\u2019s nearly impossible to get away without having \u2026 Continue reading
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