{"id":152,"date":"2009-03-05T14:40:41","date_gmt":"2009-03-05T20:40:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodjobsucking.com\/?p=152"},"modified":"2009-03-05T14:49:45","modified_gmt":"2009-03-05T20:49:45","slug":"conversations-with-telemarketers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.goodjobsucking.com\/?p=152","title":{"rendered":"Conversations with Telemarketers"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’ll preface this by mentioning that I haven’t actually had a call from a telemarketer in at least 10 years.\u00a0 About that time, my wife was pregnant with our first daughter, and she told me that with all my technical background, I should be able to do something<\/em> to ensure that no telemarketer ever bothers her again.\u00a0 Or else<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Naturally I took this as an opportunity to outfit the house with a full blown PBX and auto-attendant, but that’s another story entirely.<\/p>\n

When they do get through, telemarketers are a tenacious bunch, and if there\u2019s a remote chance of making a sale, they\u2019ll try almost anything.\u00a0 I’ll admit to exploiting this trait for my own amusement.\u00a0 As a case in point, I once received a call on behalf of AT&T:<\/p>\n

\u201cHi!\u00a0 We\u2019re offering a certificate for $100 worth of free long distance if you sign up…\u201d\u00a0 I had been running to get the phone, and listened breathlessly to the entire speech.\u00a0 At least it was delivered with a little penache, so I tried to be polite.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m really not interested in switching to AT&T.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMay I ask why?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, an AT&T van ran over my dog last year, and I still haven\u2019t gotten over it.\u201d<\/p>\n

(Muffled laughter, then a long pause.)\u00a0 \u201cOh, god, I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHis name was Lucky.\u00a0 I loved that dog.\u201d<\/p>\n

“Oh, umm…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI still can\u2019t see an AT&T van without bursting into tears.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe don\u2019t have to come to your house to become your long distance carrier.\u00a0 You won\u2019t have to look at an AT&T van.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe logo freaks me out, too.\u00a0 I can\u2019t see it without thinking of Lucky.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOur bill will appear on your regular statement, with your local bill.\u00a0 You don\u2019t even have to look at it if you don\u2019t want to.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe had just gotten him back from the vet, too.\u00a0 Poor Lucky.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if we offered you $100 certificate, you know, as an apology?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIsn\u2019t that the same thing you were offering a few minutes ago?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, yes, but you can use it however you want.\u00a0 You can call Lucky\u2019s friends to let them know you\u2019re thinking of him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHis friends were mostly squirrels.\u00a0 And I think AT&T might have gotten to them already, anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOur service really is unparalleled in the industry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not what I meant.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u00a0 Well, we do have a very large fleet of vehicles.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you making fun of me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course not.\u00a0 But accidents do happen.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure the driver didn\u2019t mean it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you ever see that Twilight Zone where that woman\u2019s dead husband called her on the phone?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I did.\u00a0 I\u2019m pretty sure she used AT&T, if that\u2019s what you\u2019re asking.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was wondering if I could commune with Lucky over the phone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWith $100 in savings, what have you got to lose?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe it would be faster if I just stood in my driveway and you sent a van over.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you sign up as our customer, I\u2019d be happy to put in a service call for you.\u201d
\nSometimes, the tenaciousness of telemarketers borders on bizarre.\u00a0 I received a call from a local newspaper, urging me to sign up for local delivery.\u00a0 As usual, there was the canned diatribe that I listened patiently to, ended with the common ploy of \u201cjust tell me your address and I can sign you up right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cActually, I don\u2019t want the paper.\u00a0 I can\u2019t read.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPerhaps somebody can read it to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think so.\u00a0 I could just listen to news radio.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve got pictures and comics.\u00a0 You could clip them out if they interested you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t have any thumbs, so it\u2019s hard for me to use scissors.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou could use a knife.\u00a0 Or the paper tears pretty easily, you could just rip them out.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m legally blind, so I probably wouldn\u2019t look at the pictures.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you have a dog?\u00a0 You could use the paper to clean up after him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI did, but he was run over by an AT&T van.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I just said that to get rid of a telemarketer.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t work, though.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u00a0 Have you got a cat?\u00a0 It\u2019s great for the bottom of litter boxes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSeems kind of expensive to buy the paper just for that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have so many coupons every day that the paper virtually pays for itself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m blind and I have no thumbs.\u00a0 How am I going to clip coupons?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, how do you shop now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI pretty much eat whatever the pixies bring by.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan they read?\u00a0 Maybe they can clip the coupons for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you serious?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure!\u00a0 Perhaps they could read you the headlines, too.\u00a0 There\u2019s no better way to keep in touch with current events.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I\u2019d love to, but I\u2019m moving in a week.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen give us your new address!\u00a0 We\u2019ll sign you up in advance.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m moving to Bangladesh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can ship the paper anywhere in the world.\u00a0 All you pay is the shipping charges.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be living on a mountain, miles from civilization.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about weekly, instead of daily?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow does that help?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, our Sunday paper is an excellent source of weekly news, and you may not be interested in getting the paper every day.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not interested in getting the paper any day.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about the coupons?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat good are they going to do me on a mountain in the middle of nowhere?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSurely you\u2019re going to need some goods and services.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot for long.\u00a0 I\u2019m really going there to die.\u00a0 I only have one month left to live.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPerfect!\u00a0 Our free trial period is 30 days, so all you\u2019ll have to pay in advance is shipping.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you suggesting that I get the paper for 30 days and not pay for it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, if you live, I\u2019d suggest that you pay your bill so that you can continue to receive the paper, with all it has to offer…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, I just realized, I\u2019ve got a stack of papers by the door.\u00a0 I think I already subscribe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u00a0 Is it our paper?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow can I tell?\u00a0 It feels like a big stack of newspapers.\u00a0 It gets bigger every day.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes it feel kind of jagged along the edge, with a big fold in the middle?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUmmm…\u00a0\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Is that good?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat sounds like our paper, alright.\u00a0 I\u2019d better check with our subscription department, and give you a call back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI may not hear the phone, because I think I\u2019m going deaf.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s okay, I\u2019ll keep calling until I reach you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Amazingly, he did call back, but I was lucky enough to be away and only hear the messages on the answering machine:<\/p>\n

#1: \u201cSir?\u00a0 I checked with our subscription department and they have no record of you as a subscriber.\u00a0 I forgot to ask if the stack of papers had staples in the fold.\u00a0 You may want to check on that and get back to me.\u00a0 And you may want to call and cancel your subscription to that other paper, if you don\u2019t need it.\u00a0 Save yourself some money.\u00a0 But be sure to give me a call so we can start your subscription right away.\u201d<\/p>\n

#2: \u201cSir?\u00a0 You forgot to give me your address in Bangladesh.\u00a0 We can get your subscription started with just a credit card, and remember, you only pay shipping.\u201d<\/p>\n

#3: \u201cIt\u2019s been almost a week, and you haven\u2019t returned my call, so you may have left already and may not be picking up your messages.\u00a0 If Pixie is still living there she may want to give me a call and discuss the best value in newspapers available for home delivery today…\u201d<\/p>\n

One of the biggest problem with telemarketers in general, is that they soak up an awful lot of time, and I relish the occasional opportunity to return the favor.\u00a0 A telemarketer representing an investment broker afforded the perfect opportunity.\u00a0 As usual, first the spiel, then the question:<\/p>\n

\u201cAll we need is your social security number to open an account for you right now…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I\u2019d love to!\u201d I gushed, \u201cbecause I just inherited a huge amount of money and have no idea what to do with it.\u00a0 Hang on a minute while I find where I put that check…\u201d<\/p>\n

I put the phone down and made a brief show of rustling papers.\u00a0 I have no idea how long she waited, because I didn\u2019t pick the phone back up until the next day.<\/p>\n

However, I did have to appreciate a call I received from a company hocking voice mail.\u00a0 They were interested in charging me about $25 per month for a glorified answering machine, with the sole (real) advantage being that people could leave voice mail if I was on the phone.\u00a0 As I listened to the spiel, it occurred to me that it sounded exactly like the local phone company\u2019s own voice mail offering, which cost about $7 per month.\u00a0 For no particular reason, I walked the telemarketer through a feature-by-feature comparison of the two voice mail systems.<\/p>\n

I concluded with, \u201cWell, it sounds like your voice mail system has the exact same features, but costs three times as much.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s about right.\u201d\u00a0 (\u201cYour point being?\u201d was implied in her tone, and the fact that she hadn\u2019t hung up yet.)<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, then I\u2019d have to be some kind of idiot to sign up with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGreat!\u00a0 Then we\u2019ll sign you up right away!\u201d<\/p>\n

<click><\/p>\n

Well played, madam.\u00a0 Well played.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ll preface this by mentioning that I haven’t actually had a call from a telemarketer in at least 10 years.\u00a0 About that time, my wife was pregnant with our first daughter, and she told me that with all my technical background, I should be able to do something to ensure \u2026 Continue reading → <\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[66,67,65,64],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.goodjobsucking.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/152"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.goodjobsucking.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.goodjobsucking.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.goodjobsucking.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.goodjobsucking.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=152"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.goodjobsucking.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/152\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":154,"href":"http:\/\/www.goodjobsucking.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/152\/revisions\/154"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.goodjobsucking.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=152"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.goodjobsucking.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=152"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.goodjobsucking.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=152"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}