Interlude with Apple Developer Support

As a consumer, getting support for Apple’s devices is pretty easy.  If it’s in warranty or you have AppleCare, it’s not hard to get something fixed.  As a developer, however, working with Apple is … not so easy.

Apple has one of my widgets available for download, which periodically gets updated.  The usual procedure is to log in to Apple, update a few fields, point to the new URL, and everything’s fine in a day or two.

Lately, though, the form has been failing with the error, “Please fill in all required fields.”  There’s no indication of which fields or what to do, so after weeks of trying different combinations of things, I contacted Apple Developer Support.

Dear Apple Developer Support:

I maintain an OSX widget available at [URL.] I am trying to update it using the form at https://developer.apple.com/submission/mac/form_edit.php

However, the form *always* returns the same error: “Please fill in all required fields.”

There is no indication of what fields are not filled out, and I have meticulously filled out every single field. I have attempted to do so from every major browser, including Safari, Firefox, IE, and Chrome, from every OS including OSX and Windows, and from several countries including the US, Canada, and India.

I cannot get this form to work. Is there anything that can be done? Can you tell me what this form wants?

Almost immediately, I got a form letter that they are working diligently on whatever my issue may be, and then a few days after that:

Please include the line below in follow-up emails for this request.
Follow-up: 136749696

Re: Software Downloads feedback

Hello,

Thank you for contacting Apple Developer Support regarding Software Downloads.

Feedback regarding Software Downloads may be submitted to Apple via the Mac OS X web
site:


Please know that the email address you have written to is
used to provide program-level support to members of the Apple Developer Program. We are unable to provide general product support via this Apple channel.

Thank you for understanding our support policies. We appreciate the time that you have taken to send your comments to Apple.

Best regards,

Yutaka Ikeda
Apple Developer Support

So, I’m essentially told that they don’t help with downloads, only developer issues, and I’m directed back to the contact page where I found the address I sent my original email to.
Dear Apple Developer Support:

I am not trying to download anything. I am trying to use the developer site, which is not working.


Omitted: Several back and forth emails where I beg somebody to read my request, and not just send me a random form letter directing me to the contact page.  Also omitted:  I repeat the problem each time.

Please include the line below in follow-up emails for this request.

Follow-up: 136749696

Re: iOS Developer Program

Hello,

Please know in order to consider your request, we need you to furnish the following
information:

– Step by step information to reproduce the issue
– Screenshots reflecting the error messages
– System hardware and operating system configuration
– Browser and version
– Indicate type of connection (i.e., cable, DSL, corporate network, etc.)
– Indicate if you are behind a firewall
– Provide text for any error messages that you have received
– Indicate if you are behind a proxy server

Thank you for your assistance.

Best regards,

Jeremy Nickel
Apple Developer Support

Wait, what? Well, fine, at least I’ve been routed to the correct department.

Dear Apple Developer Support:

Are these delaying tactics? Because seriously, the initial instructions I
included aren’t hard to follow.

Go here:
https://developer.apple.com/submission/mac/form_edit.php

Update the version. Or anything. Use any browser. It doesn’t matter.
Naturally, I’m logged in as me.

Watch it tell you you’re missing a required field.

I usually stop here, but for the full experience, you can spend weeks
trying to get somebody to take a look and provide anything other than a
moronic form response or a nonsensical request for more information.

A few days later, I got this response:

Please include the line below in follow-up emails for this request.

Follow-up: 136749696

Re: iOS Developer Program

Hello,

Please know in order to consider your request, we need you to furnish the following
information:

– Step by step information to reproduce the issue
– Screenshots reflecting the error messages
– System hardware and operating system configuration
– Browser and version
– Indicate type of connection (i.e., cable, DSL, corporate network, etc.)
– Indicate if you are behind a firewall
– Provide text for any error messages that you have received
– Indicate if you are behind a proxy server

Thank you for your assistance.

Best regards,

Jeremy Nickel
Apple Developer Support

Yes. It’s the exact same form letter. Frankly, at this point, I hate Jeremy Nickel, and I want him to burn in hell. Is it really so difficult to understand that a web page is broken? Seriously, Jeremy, if you can’t be bothered to actually read any of the email you get, are you really in the right position?

Dear Apple Developer Support:

Please do not send me this useless form letter again, I’ve answered every
goddamned question more than once. If you have an actual question, feel
free to ask. If you want to send me a form letter, please just tell me
directly “I’m really too stupid to handle this,” it’s more honest and
direct.

> Please include the line below in follow-up emails for this request.
>
> Follow-up: 136749696
>
> Re: iOS Developer Program
>
> Hello,
>
> Please know in order to consider your request, we need you to furnish the
> following information:
>
> – Step by step information to reproduce the issue

Provided. Three times.

> – Screenshots reflecting the error messages

Imagine the screen, with a red “Please fill out all required fields” on
it. If you seriously need a screen shot of that, let me know.

> – System hardware and operating system configuration

I’ve tried several dozen. It does not fucking matter.

> – Browser and version

I’ve tried several dozen. Safari, Firefox, IE, whatever.

> – Indicate type of connection (i.e., cable, DSL, corporate network,
> etc.)

Again, tried on dozens.

> – Indicate if you are behind a firewallÂ

No.

> – Provide text for any error messages that you have receivedÂ

Once again, “Please fill out all required fields.”

> – Indicate if you are behind a proxy server

No. And yes. What the fuck? Who fucking cares? I’m just going to get the same fucking form letter from you anyway.

Tell you what, Jeremy, just fucking GO to the URL, and if it miraculously works for you, send me your operating system, your browser version, and whatever the fuck you filled in to make it work.

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18 Responses to Interlude with Apple Developer Support

  1. Jeremy D. Nickel says:

    Hi,

    Wow, what a terrible story, I can certainly relate to it. I want to tell you a story. It is also about a guy named Jeremy Nickel, who also happens to be me. This guy has been working real hard for over a decade to become an ordained Unitarian Universalist minister (basically an interfaith movement, look it up on wikipedia if you want to know more details). After many years of schooling, internships, working in hospitals, Jeremy is finally able to lead a spiritual community. It is a beautiful and growing one in the Bay Area (mpuuc.org in case you want to check it out) and he is very thrilled. Well, one day Jeremy wakes up and check his email only to see he has a hit on the google alert he set for his name. As he reads the page he is directed to he is horrified. Someone has given horrible customer service to a person in need, and now his good name is sullied because of it. In fact, now, whenever someone searches his name, the first hit they will get is the information that he sucks, and does a good job of sucking. While he does like to be thought of as doing good work – this was not what he had in mind. So he then writes to the person that put up this page and asks that they please make some kind of change, perhaps taking out his first name, or just focusing on apple. How will this story end? Only you know!

    So that is my story, whoever you are. Please be kind and make a change so that I dont have to deal with this for the next 10 years.

    Thank you very much,

    A very different Jeremy Nickel

  2. monica says:

    Please remove the tag Jeremy D Nickel sucks! This is not good for a wonderful friend Jeremy D Nickel which happens to be an awesome human being !!You google his name and your article pops 🙁 Our Jeremy is such a cool young Pastor and he is a really nice person! The Other Jeremy Nickel that you talk about might be bad or really suck( which I doubt) but has NOTHING to do with the Good guy which happens to have almost the same name.
    Thank you

  3. queued says:

    For the record, I don’t hate everybody named Jeremy Nickel. I also note that if I Google for “Jeremy Nickel from Apple” I get a link to Jeremy Nickel’s sermons on iTunes, about which I have nothing disparaging to say.

    I’m more than willing to provide links to Jeremy Nickels who do not suck.

  4. zwaaa says:

    There is only one Jeremy Nickel…and he is ALL Jeremy Nickels!

    HE IS THE ONE AND THE MANY!

    THE JEREMY AND THE NICKEL!

    HIS GOSPEL IS PREACHED BY THE 5 PENNIES!

    When you insult one of him, you insult ALL OF HIM!!!!

    ZUUL!

    ZUUL!

  5. tom nickel says:

    I have a son named Jeremy Nickel and he isn’t perfect but he also doesn’t suck. Removing the tag would help. I appreciate your Comment above, but more clarification would help all the unfairly maligned Jeremy Nickels

  6. queued says:

    At least Jeremy Nickels is just a form-letter spewing doink from Apple, and not, say, a mass murderer. That’s kind of a hard stigma to shake.

    http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/Adolph

  7. Jeremy D. Nickel says:

    See, if you would just change the name to “Nickels” like you just used it, that would do the trick, as I am a singular. What do you say? I would really appreciate some help from you fixing this.

  8. zwaaa says:

    So, new rule. We cannot say anything negative about someone that has the same name as someone else, or a name that SOUNDS close to someone else’s…because we as a nation no longer posses the critical thinking skills to actually read an article and understand it’s context.

    gotcha!

  9. zwaaa says:

    I’m confused Jeremy…what does this article have to do with you?

  10. queued says:

    Whoops! Sorry about the typo, I don’t want to wrongfully malign the Jeremy Nickelses of the world, I only want to wrongfully malign the Jeremy Nickels of the world.

    I’ll ask the Jeremy Nickel at Apple what his middle initial or name is, that’ll probably help. On the other hand, he’ll probably just send me a form letter asking for a screen print.

  11. merin p says:

    hey, hey, how about not being a hater at all…the Jeremy Nickel I know isn’t a hater, maligner or stone thrower at all. Except maybe if he’s jesting about his sports and then its all in good fun. Do the sweet dude a favor and change it around so he isn’t caught up in this and can focus on the Superbowl already!

  12. queued says:

    Wait, which Jeremy Nickel do you know? I think we’ve identified three:
    The Apple drone fond of form letters
    The minister with the podcasts
    The boy who reportedly doesn’t suck

    Is the one you know one of these, or is Jeremy “Jests About Sports” Nickel a fourth one?

  13. zwaaa says:

    I suggest you amend the tag to “Jeremy Nickel that works for Apple and isn’t a minister or the child of a person that takes blog comments far too seriously”

  14. SoRefined says:

    I’ve identified an additional Jeremy Nickel, and I’d like to be offended on his behalf, even though some evidence indicates that he might be a bringer of frivolous lawsuits, a characteristic that one could argue brings a person dangerously close to sucking.

    I note that when typing “Jeremy Nickel” into google, one of the top suggested searches is “Jeremy Nickel lawsuit,” thus leading me to believe that perhaps Jeremy Nickel and lawsuit go together so well that sucking is endemic to ALL Jeremy Nickels, thus casting some doubt on all the other Jeremy Nickels that have been mentioned previously.

  15. Arben says:

    I don’t appreciate your furthering of a Jeremy Nickel culture. All of this joshing and kidding around is only creating a world where the ignorant can come to believe that Jeremy Nickel is an acceptable feature of our society.

    Farthermore, by referring to Jeremy Nickel in the content of this post, you could easily offend anyone who may have had a negative experience with Jeremy Nickel in the past and for some reason continued to read the post, and then later, having been reminded of Jeremy Nickel, thought about the negative experience I mentioned earlier.

    The simple fact that you haven’t immediately removed this post from all the internets makes it clear that you are a Jeremy Nickel supporter, and the followup in which you apologized to some Jeremy Nickels clearly makes you a Jeremy Nickel apologist of the highest order (which is order #4).

  16. shining says:

    Being the first person to post in the actual context and not footnotes of Queued’s post, I am having trouble signing up for Ubuntu One. I hope Ubuntu support is better than Apple’s. I have not purchased music from Apple before, though often do from Amazon. I plan to buy from Ubuntu One Music Store before the inevitable of signing up for iTunes somehow as a primarily linux user.

  17. Julie Greene says:

    What you really need to do, folks, is to end up with a super common name like mine. There are zillions of us in variations, Greene, Green, Grene, Julie, Judy, Julia, etc with all kinds of middle initials and lack thereof. There is another one of us in my town who shows up in all the unlikely places I do, never mind where, and our records get mixed up, so i show up at the dr’s only to find out they are expecting the other one of me.

    Hey, it’s like the color with an e on the end, I say.

    G R what?

    Like the color green with an e. You know, like Graham Greene?

    Can I see your photo ID please?

    And so on.

    Julie Greene

  18. C says:

    I would just like to say that I know THE Jeremy Nickel that this post is about and he does indeed suck.

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